


Flaws of Attraction

by shadowmaat



Category: Portal 2: The (Unauthorized) Musical - geekenders
Genre: M/M, Wheatley Wheatleying all over the place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 17:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13529214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowmaat/pseuds/shadowmaat
Summary: Craig Nolan loves facts and order, but a new arrival at Aperture is throwing everything into disarray.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the first iteration of the musical.

The vending machine was out of Tastykakes again. Muttering to himself, Craig headed to the cafeteria, trying not to think about the percentage of germ-covered surfaces he was likely to encounter.

Head down, he was studying the notes on his arm as he rounded the corner and slammed into a pipe.

"AAAHHH!" The pipe grabbed him and collapsed, dragging him with it.

Craig let out a small yell of his own before realizing that the pipe was, in fact, human. A freakishly tall man with dark, shaggy hair and a mis-buttoned blue shirt under his standard Aperture lab coat.

"Blimey!" the main said. "Sorry about that, mate! Didn't see you all the way down there!" Grinning, he attempted to disentangle their limbs and stand up.

It was a little bit like watching a drunken newborn giraffe trying to find its feet, and if Craig wasn't being squashed underneath him it might have been more interesting to watch. For science reasons. He tried to wriggle out from under him only to find his hand seized. The man hauled them both upwards and almost toppled them again, babbling the whole time.

"Name's Wheatley," he said, his accent clearly placing him from somewhere on the other side of the ocean. "Dunno if I told you that. Probably important. Introductions and all. Hello! How are you? Not too damaged? I hope?" He was still grinning from ear to ear- almost literally- and pumping Craig's still-captured hand.

"I- I'm fine," Craig said, trying to rescue his hand before it came off. "If- if you'll excuse me…"

"Oh, no need, no need! I think we can agree we both share some of the blame for that one, eh?"

Craig stared up at him, trying to follow the sudden leap in conversation. Wheatley loomed over him like a worried banana. Did he think Craig was apologizing?

"Although it was more your fault than mine, if I'm honest." Wheatley gave a nervous chuckle. "What with you coming around the corner being all tiny and fast, like a… like a hedgehog."

Irritation flashed through him. "A hedgehog's top speed is 12MPH, while a human's is 28."

"Really? I thought they'd be faster. Sort of a little blue blur. O-or pink blur, in your case."

Adjusting his glasses, he attempted to step aside and continue on his way, but Wheatley's hand shot out, catching his wrist.

"Oh, what's this, then?" Without asking for permission, he pushed up Craig's sleeve, exposing his ink-covered arm. "Taking notes? For a test? Is that cheating?" He squinted at it.

"Let me go!" Craig tried to pull away but only dragged himself closer to Wheatley.

"Wait, is there going to be a test? There isn't is there?" Wide blue eyes gazed down at him. "Only this is my first- well, not my first, day, obviously, been here ages, but uh, so what is this, anyway?"

"It's noth-"

Wheatley ran his fingers along Craig's arm and he couldn't quite suppress the shiver that went through him. Heat mixed with an icy stab of fear. The man wasn't even attractive! Much. He was just a big dumb idiot with long, lanky limbs and hair you could twine your fingers in and Sweet Einstein, he was still talking!

"...what is says, of course." His finger traced from side to side as he pretended to read it. "This bit here with the letters and numbers next to each other. Think you made a mistake there. Classic error, mixing those two up."

Clenching his teeth, Craig gave one last tug… and found himself pressed against Wheatley.

"Careful, there!" Wheatley chuckled, smiling down at him. "I think you should at least buy me dinner first, don't you?"

The moment stretched. Craig was frozen in place, his heart hammering while Wheatley stood over him, lips slightly parted. At last realization seemed to dawn. Blinking rapidly, he released Craig and stepped away, clearing his throat.

"Right! Ahem! Well! I'll, uh- I'll just let you go on about your business, then! Good job!" He looked flushed and his grin took on a desperate edge.

Craig straightened his sleeves, trying to compose himself. His tongue felt glued to the roof of his mouth, so rather than try and say anything he nodded and continued past.

"Oh! Er, ah… just one… little thing."

Craig stopped, hunching his shoulders.

"It's a, uh, tiny little thing, really." Wheatley's laugh wobbled. Craig risked turning around to look and saw him wringing his hands.

"You, uh, wouldn't happen to know the way to the cafeteria, would you?"

His heart sank into his toes. Of course. Of course he was going to the cafeteria. After a brief inner debate he gestured down the hall.

"You're going the wrong way. South is only right if you're a hawk or a handsaw." He sighed. "I'll- I'll show you."

"You will? Oh, that's brilliant!" Wheatley beamed like a kid on Christmas morning and bounded over to Craig. "Thanks, mate! I really appreciate this! I swear they changed the halls on me because that place is not where I left it!"

He talked the whole time, getting more wrong than right. Craig tried correcting him only to be subjected to tortured chains of logic as the other man tried to find ways to make himself still be correct. Any uncomfortable feelings he may have been developing were burned away under the sheer weight of illogic pouring forth.

He was dismayed but unsurprised when the towering loon followed him through the line and over to an empty table, still talking. He even tried asking point blank how someone who know so little could get a job at Aperture. Wheatley didn't take the hint but did start getting defensive, claiming to have "keen insights" into how things should be run and that he didn't let himself be "tied down" by facts.

"Facts are important, Craig insisted. "Without them everything would be a mess!"

"Oh, I'm not saying they don't have their uses." Wheatley waved his fork through the air, dripping sauce on the table. "Getting paid, that's a fact I like." He laughed at his own joke. "I just don't see why we have to depend on them. I mean, how do we even know they're facts? Who's making all those decisions, right? Who says gravity has to pull things down? Wouldn't pulling them up be more useful? For- for birds and things?"

Craig opened his mouth to reply but Wheatley plowed on.

"Besides, it's like that box thingy- intercom, the intercom- it's like it said, we're supposed to be throwing things at the wall to see what sticks!" He gave another flick of the fork and Craig recoiled as gravy spattered across his glasses.

"Oops, sorry about that. But it just goes to show-"

"It shows me you're an idiot." He pulled his glasses off and tried to clean them.

"Oi! Not an idiot!" Wheatley scowled. "Just very forward-thinking. Maybe too forward-thinking for you!"

"You're right." Replacing his glasses he grabbed his tray and stood. "Anyone who doesn't believe in gravity is too 'forward-thinking' for me." Traces of grease smeared across the lens made everything blurry, but he could still see well enough to notice they were drawing attention. Ducking his head, he went to dump his tray and leave.

"Are you still going on about that?" Wheatley was following him. "Look, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. Perfectly fine, gravity! It keeps things from flyin' away all the time. I just don't see why it always has to be in the same direction."

They were in the hall by now. Craig turned to confront him, jabbing a finger at his stomach. "It's a basic principle of physics. Bodies are naturally attracted to each other. A body with greater mass attracts bodies with lesser mass!" He paused, realizing what he'd just said.

Wheatley dragged his hair away from his face, rolling his eyes. "Right, so when my mug spills it's really just trying to ask the table out for tea. Thanks for that little science lesson, there, buddy. Whatever your name is."

"Craig," he answered, mostly on reflex. He stepped away, needing more space. "I should go."

"Craig. Right, well, thanks for that oh-so-helpful bit of trivia, Craig." His tone changed from sarcastic to hopeful. "Maybe we can do this again tomorrow? Two colleagues discussing… colleague stuff? Same Bat-time, Same Bat-channel! That- that, uh, was Batman. I was quoting Batman. Don't know if you-"

"I'm very busy." He took another step away, willing the man to stay in place for once. He wasn't entirely sure what was happening, but knew he wanted no part of Wheatley and his special brand of stupid.

"Fine! That's fine! But you've gotta eat sometime, right? I mean-" he laughed, "you're not a robot or anything!. So, lunch? Lunch would be good, right?" He was twisting his tie around his fingers.

"No." He shook his head. "I think I'll be tied up for the foreseeable future."

"OK, OK, so that's a definite 'maybe', then." Grinning, he gave a little wave and started down the hall, almost tripping over a woman coming the other way.

Sighing, Craig started off in the other direction, eager to get back to the safety of his own lab and forget the whole regrettable encounter. And then Rick appeared beside him, grinning.

"Well, well, well! It looks like you made a new friend!"

The smirk put him on guard. "He's not a friend, he's an idiot."

"Uh huh. The two of you looked pretty cozy, there, for someone who's just an idiot."

"Rick…" Craig tried not to worry. After all, this was Rick! They were labmates!

Rick raised his hands, still walking beside him. "Hey, it's fine! I'm just saying. Didn't realize how desperate you were getting." An elbow almost knocked Craig into the wall. "If you need help with the ladies, I know a guy." He paused. "It's me. I'm the guy."

Craig pinched the bridge of his nose and counted to ten. "I don't need any help with the ladies. Fact: Caroline is a lady and she always seems quite impressed with my-"

"Hey!" Rick scowled. "Caroline's off limits. You know I already claimed dibs on her and it's only a matter of time before she succumbs to my charms."

Craig snorted. "You've been doing a great job so far."

Rick fired back with a rude comment and he allowed himself to relax. Uncomfortable topics- and people- were being left behind. Arguing about Caroline would be the perfect distraction for both of them. Caroline was smart and beautiful and in tune with the world around her. He was sure that they'd be able to accomplish amazing things together, if only she'd notice him.

He and Rick bickered companionably for the rest of the afternoon and when he went to sleep that night he resolved never to go to the cafeteria again.


	2. Chapter 2

He managed a whole week. The vending machine had been restocked and he had no real need to venture any further from his lab. In fact, he'd mostly forgotten why he'd been avoiding the lunchroom and it wasn't until he sat down with his tray and noticed foodstains on the table that he remembered. He checked the room, but no giant lummoxes were in sight. Good. Maybe he'd forgotten, too. Ideas probably died of oxygen deprivation in that empty head of his. Deciding it was best not to take changes, he ate quickly and left, turning to head back to his lab.

"There you are!" The voice boomed down the hall, cheery and unwelcome. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"

Craig kept walking, wondering if he could pretend he hadn't heard. A hand clamped on his shoulder and Wheatley swung around in front of him, his hair even more disheveled than before.

"Man alive, you are not going to believe what I found! Come on, I'll show you!"

"Unless it's your brain, I have no interest in-" He found himself being propelled down the hall.

"It'll just take a minute, I promise. Ha! You are not going to believe your eyes!"

"Let me go! I don't want-" He stumbled as he was shoved into a room. What little light there was disappeared with a click as Wheatley latched the door.

"Whoops! Hold on. Should be a, uh, should be a light switch here, somewhere…"

There was a thump and the sound of something being knocked over, followed by Wheatley's apology and rambling narrative in quest for an on switch.

Craig weighed his options, turned around, and tried to aim for the door, hands feeling the air ahead of him.

"Bingo!"

Lights flashed on, blinding him, and then he tripped over a broken mug on the floor, startling a yell out of him.

"Whoops!" Long arms hooked under his, pulling him upright again. "Ha! Caught you. Definitely caught you, there."

Craig flailed his pinned arms, his face mashed against Wheatley's chest. A nervous chuckle rattled against him.

"Y-you know, we, uh, really should stop meeting like this. People are gonna talk."

"Mmph!" He dragged in a lungful of soap, sweat, and cheap cologne and tried to move. He could hear the wild beat of Wheatley's heart.

"Right! Sorry!"

Arms released him and he lurched back, straightening his mussed clothes. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Oh." Wheatley's whole frame sagged. "Oh, this isn't the right room after all."

"Did you know the percentage of-" He broke off. Now that he could see again he looked around the room.

It appeared to be a small office. There were a couple of shabby-looking desks mostly taken up by computers. A long window lined one wall, looking out over an enormous white-paneled room.

"Ooo! There it is!" Wheatley went over to the window, pointing down into the other room. "See there?"

Ignoring him, Craig tried the door. "It's locked."

"Must have got turned about somewhere, but look! That blue thing down there. The glowing one. You'll never guess what it is."

"Can you unlock the door? I need to leave!" He rattled the knob.

"It's a bridge!" Wheatley crowed. "Doesn't look safe, I know, you can see right through it if you squint, but do you know what it's made out of?"

Craig remembered the project. He'd worked on some of the theories. "Compressed sunlight."

Wheatley beamed at him. "Sunlight! Incredible, isn't it? Just goes to show what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it."

"Can you let me out, now?"

Wheatley swaggered over and tried the knob. "Although I- I wouldn't recommend putting your mind on that bridge, actually. Very hot, for sunlight!"

Craig noticed blisters on the man's fingers. He also noticed that the door was still locked. He fought a growing sense of alarm as Wheatley tried the handle with both hands and failed again.

"Well, that's odd. Door seems to be stuck."

"Can you unlock it?" Aperture didn't take kindly to people being in places they weren't supposed to be. If they were found they could easily be killed. Or worse, fired.

"I think I can handle a little old door." He puffed up. "Don't know if you knew this, but I used to be a master hacker back in the day. Yup! Not a door alive that can keep out Wheatley!"

"We are so screwed." Craig sighed. "Maybe I can call R- what are you doing?"

Wheatley had pulled a pencil out of his pocket and was attempting to jam it in the lock.

"Trade secret! Mysterious lockpicking skills, handed down from-"

"No!" Craig grabbed for his arm. "Don't! If that breaks off in there we'll never get out!"

"Hey! Get off! I know what I'm doing!" Wheatley held the pencil over his head. "Ha! Just try and get it now, you little… thing that's lit- oof!"

Craig gave him a sharp poke in the stomach, making him hunch over. He made another grab for the pencil, crashing them both into the door. Part of him knew he was overreacting, but visions of the pencil snapping off in the lock leaving him trapped in here with the babbling idiot made him desperate.

Wheatley hooked an arm around his waist and spun them so that Craig was the one with his back to the door.

"Well, that's not playing very nice, now, is it?" Wheatley's eyes had narrowed and there was a hint of a growl in his voice.

Craig felt his mouth go dry as he tried to think of a response.

"I think we both want the same thing, here, don't we?" Wheatley leaned in, his hair swinging forward to tickle Craig's cheek.

"No. If you try, y- you'll just make it worse." He willed his voice to stay strong and glared up into those too-blue eyes.

"Worse? Or better?" Wheatley started to lower his head.

Without consciously willing it, Craig tilted his face up and kissed him. Wheatley made a startled noise, but then the tension seemed to go out of him and he kissed back.

It was wonderful. And awful. This was a terrible thing to do and absolutely not what he ever intended. He had better taste than this! Smart was sexy, not- not whatever whatever brand of stupid Wheatley was! Stupidity… and a hint of chocolate. Maybe not such a bad taste after all.

Wheatley made a slow move, pulling his hand free. Craig let him, reaching up to splay his fingers against the azure of his shirt. Soft motions, a shift, and then… a click. The kiss broke off.

"Ha! Hacked! Told you I could do it!" He held up the pencil and then tossed it aside, triumph softening into something else. "Now, ah, m-maybe we could try that thing you just did again?"

The door lurched, stopped by their combined weight.

"What the hell?" A muffled voice said from the hall.

Craig leaped away from the door, shoving Wheatley out of his way. Terror flooded his system and his mind went blank as he whirled in time to see the door swing open and crash against the wall. Wheatley yelped, flinching.

"What the fuck are you two idiots doing in my office?" The red-haired man in the hall stared at them.

"Hello! This is a nice office you have here!" Wheatley tried to reach out to shake the man's hand, but he swatted it away.

"This area is restricted! What the hell-"

"Office inspection!" Wheatley nodded enthusiastically. "Just your average… inspectors of offices, right, Inspection Buddy?"

Craig stared up at him, speechless.

"Right! So, ah, everything seems to be pretty much in order, here. Could do with a bit of cleaning, maybe a plant. Make it more festive, but I- I think we'll let that-"

"Get the hell out!"

Craig scrambled to obey, Wheatley hot on his heels. "Sorry for any inconvenience! If you-"

"Scram! Before I have you both committed!"

They ran. Down the hall, around the corner, and finally stopping at an intersection. Craig leaned against the wall, trembling. "That… that was… was…"

"Amazing!" Wheatley laughed. "That was bloody amazing! Wow!"

Craig clutched his chest. "Did- did you know it's possible to die from fear?"

"Oh, what, that guy? Seemed like a regular pushover! Had a calendar with puppies on it on the wall."

Craig had no idea what kind of puppies a guy that angry might like. Probably ones tearing apart people. "That was a mistake. Back there. Everything." He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "You- you misunderstood everything and it's never going to happen again. Ever." He looked up. Wheatley was smiling at him. "No."

"Sorry, love." Wheatley shook his head. "I keep telling you: not a moron. But don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

Craig frantically checked to make sure no one was watching and tried to hush him.

"A-although I suppose it's more our secret, really. A good one. Ours. Good secret."

"I'm leaving." He started to walk away. "I don't want anything to do with you ever again."

"Awww, don't be like that!" Wheatley easily caught up, draping an arm over his shoulders. "Best friends should treat each other better, don't you think?"

"We're not friends!" Craig tried to push him away.

"We will be," Wheatley said. "I have a great sense about these things, y'know. Almost uncanny. And I can tell we're going to be the best of friends!"

"You're going to get us killed." Craig gave up and walked beside him. There'd be time to figure a way out of this later...


End file.
